Out In The Open
by theypreferthetermpeople
Summary: Stef and Lena finally talk about everything that's been going on - the kiss with Monty, the car crash, the futures of each of the kids. An open, honest conversation, at least. Spoilers for 3x1.


Lena felt the bed shift once again as Stef turned over for the umpteenth time. She reached out and placed a hand on her wife's side, only to have Stef roll further away. "Honey?" she said softly, propping herself up on her elbow and trying to see over the shoulder between them. "Is everything okay?"  
Stef exhaled gustily and turned onto her back, twisting her head to meet Lena's eyes. "Fine," she replied without emotion.  
"Another bad dream?"  
"No, just... thinking." Stef licked her lips. There was so much to be said and she didn't even know where to start.  
"Sounds dangerous," Lena teased, moving her hand up to rub Stef's shoulder soothingly. Stef let out a mirthless laugh. "What about?" she probed gently.  
"Everything," Stef admitted after a moment of silence. "Just- the kids, and Ana, and the baby, and Jesús being gone, and Callie's adoption, and Jude having a boyfriend and..."  
"And us," Lena added, her voice catching in her throat, tucking a long blonde curl behind Stef's ear tenderly.  
"What about us, love?" Stef asked, pressing her lips together. There was a short pause. They both knew. Lena knew Stef knew. But someone had to say it, didn't they?  
"Stef, we've been miles apart for weeks. It's- We're not talking, we're not..." She shook her head. "There's a wall between us, and I hate it, and..."  
"I know," Stef said softly, reaching out and catching Lena's hand in hers. "And I'm sorry."  
Lena broke in before she could say anything else. "It's my fault as much as yours. Or more. Stef- I kissed Monty." There was a silence, and she closed her eyes so as not to have to witness the betrayal in her wife's eyes.  
"You what?" Stef asked incredulously. "You- You _kissed_ her?" The shock was audible in her voice. Her hand suddenly vanished, and she scooted away from Lena on the bed even as she turned to face her full on. "How could you?" she said finally, tears coming to her eyes. Lena always forgot how fragile Stef could be, when she let her guard down. When she stopped trying to protect everyone and actually let herself feel things.  
"I didn't- It didn't mean anything," she said, her own voice filled with unshed tears. "She- She came to tell me we'd gotten this grant, and she brought champagne, and-" She fell silent, rolling onto her back just to get away from the moment.  
"And what?" Stef demanded, her hurt having turned quickly to anger, defending herself the only way she knew how. "And you got drunk with your boss and fucked her in your office?"  
Lena gasped out a sob, "No! It was just a kiss! Stef, I promise. She just- She said I looked tense, and I said I was really stressed out about things at home, and she gave me a hug, and then she- She kissed me." A brief pause, while Lena tried to control her crying. Voice steadier, she continued, "It was just a peck and I pulled away and she apologized and that was it. I promise. I didn't- I didn't mean for it to happen. And it's been killing that I haven't told you."  
Stef sucked in a big breath and let it out in a rush. There was a long silence, and Lena searched her eyes for some response. All she saw was disappointment. Finally, Stef rubbed one hand across her face and said softly, "Thank you for telling me." She gave another shaky exhale. "I knew something was up - I mean, you've been avoiding me for the last week - but I- I never expected..." She trailed off, setting her jaw.  
"I'm sorry," Lena said desperately, "and I know that doesn't make it better but I am, and I didn't- I didn't _want_ it or ask for it and I didn't hide it from you on purpose, I just... didn't know how to tell you."  
"I get it," Stef said, nodding slowly.  
"You do?"  
"I mean, I don't like it, and I wish it hadn't happened, and I'm hurt, but... I'm glad you told me." She turned to look at her wife. Amidst the hurt, love shone through. "We're not gonna let this get us," she said firmly, taking Lena's hand again. "We're not. I love you, and-" She shook her head. "And this was just a mistake. That's all."  
Lena nodded slowly. "Just a mistake," she repeated, swallowing hard. "I love you so much, Stefanie." She squeezed her hand, and felt the answering squeeze like a tug on a lifeline.  
"I love you too."

They lay in silence, both on their backs and holding hands, for quite some time. They heard doors opening and then the shower turn on in the kids' bathroom. A second later, Mariana's voice came down the hall, yelling at Jude for taking the shower first. Stef closed her eyes and listened to her children's usual morning banter. It felt like home. Lifting her lids, she looked over at Lena, who was staring blankly at the ceiling, still looking agonized. Stef rolled closer and kissed just in front of her ear, softly and tenderly, a kiss that said "it's okay" and "I love you" and "don't worry" all in one. Lena turned her head, lips pressed together in her anxious pout, and Stef reached up, took her chin, and connected their lips in a gentle kiss.  
"I haven't been a saint either," she said as they parted. "I'm just as guilty as you are in the lack-of-communication department. I've been so caught up in work and worrying and replaying that stupid accident over and over in my head that I haven't said four words to you except for 'don't forget the string cheese.'" Lena laughed, a light tinkle that lifted the moment. "I just keep imagining that- They said there was a fatality, and when I saw the Volvo all smashed up, I just got so scared, and I didn't know... I felt like I could never be okay again." No tears were rolling this time. Stef was stony-faced in her anguish.  
"Oh, my love," Lena breathed, taking her into her arms and pressing firm kisses to the side of her head. "I know how scary it is. But it wasn't them. They're safe. Mariana is in the bathroom right now and Jesús is just at school. Safe. Our babies are safe."  
"But what if they hadn't been?" Stef queried, her words trembling.  
"But they are," Lena repeated soothingly, holding her tightly. "They are."  
Stef nodded against her cheek. "I know." It was a moment before she pulled away from Lena's embrace.  
"And Jude?" she said, shaking her head in bewilderment. "I don't even know what is going on with him. He's always been our quiet guy, our no-drama guy." She laughed. "I guess they all turn into teenagers someday."  
Lena chuckled along with her, but with a note of sadness. "He's just growing up," she agreed, a little misty-eyed. "I'm so proud of him, though. It's so hard to come out, and especially with everything that happened with Connor's dad... I'm so proud."  
"Me too," Stef agreed. "G-d knows I couldn't have come out at thirteen." She snorted even thinking about it. Back then she'd been so far in the closet she was almost to Narnia. Lena rubbed her arm in knowing comfort. "It's a tough world, but he's a brave boy," she added. "And he's going to be just fine, I know it." Lena nodded wordlessly. "And Callie? She's going to be okay too," Stef reassured.  
"I know," replied Lena with a smile. "She's our fighter, our Callie girl. But the fighting is almost over. And she's going to graduate on time, and everything will work out."  
"Finally," Stef added, rolling her eyes. She was certainly appreciative of the way things had turned out, but couldn't this all have happened a year ago? It would have saved so much pain and stress. But of course, the world wasn't perfect.  
"And that leaves us with Brandon," Lena said with a little sigh. "And he's..."  
"He's trying, that's for sure," Stef responded. "G-d knows he's trying."  
"He'll get there," Lena promised knowingly. "He's got a double dose of stubbornness and a ton of talent." And with that comforting proclamation, they sealed the conversation with another kiss and turned to face the day.


End file.
